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As far as I’m concerned, television has reached an all-time low.  I thought I had seen the dumbest of reality TV, but I was wrong.  The Beetle has now introduced me to “Rattlesnake Republic.”  The.  Dumbest.  Show.  Ever.

In case you haven’t had the privilege of experiencing this show, let me tell you about it.  First, though, let me preface this by saying I am terrified of snakes.  I don’t know why anyone in his or her right mind would ever touch a snake or own a snake.  Snakes are evil.  My 7th grade teacher tried to teach me that you can tell a poisonous snake by its eyes and that you should look at the eyes to see if the snake is beneficial or dangerous.  I always argued that if I was that close to a snake, I would not wait to see its eyes before I killed it.  (Actually, scream and run would be the more likely response.)  In my view, there is no such thing as a beneficial snake, unless it makes a pair of boots or a purse.  (And actually, I don’t even like those…they remind me of snakes.)

On this stupid show, the stars are snake trappers.  That part I can respect.  People call them to remove snakes from homes, businesses and neighborhoods.  I’m glad they provide this service, but I don’t really want to watch it from my family room.

The episode we watched included a man who watched a cottonmouth slither into a pond.  This guy took off his shoes and went barefoot into the pond.  Moron.  He walked around in this murky, yucky water trying to find the snake.  Really?  How does this sound like a good idea?  I don’t go into murky water because there might be snake in there.  If I knew there was a snake, I probably wouldn’t even be able to look at the pond, let alone get near it! 

It was very dramatic, including halfway underwater camera shots to make it look like the snake was stalking the moron in the water.  I actually started cheering for the snake.  I figured if the guy was that big of an idiot to go barefoot into a murky pond where he knew there was a venomous snake, he deserved whatever he got.  The snake left the pond, and the other morons caught him and put it in a bucket.

Next, they showed a guy performing a stunt to break a world record.  I think it might have been the same guy, but I’m not sure.  They all sort of looked the same.  (I will resist the urge to make a joke about inbreeding here, so you can make up your own punch line.)  This guy lay down in a coffin and allowed other people to pile rattlesnakes on him.  The goal was for him to lie in the box for 5 minutes with 100 snakes on him.  Um.  Why?

As the classy lady in the too-tight tank top was placing snakes on top of the moron in the box, an emergency happened.  A snake managed to get up under the moron’s head.   Wow.  I did not see that one coming.  Now, this guy was in a box, covered in snakes, and if he even twitched, a poisonous snake was going to bite his head.  They were standing there talking about what would happen if the snake bit him in the head.  He would swell up and stop breathing instantly.  The guy was hearing it as they said this.  I’m sure that helped him relax.

As you can imagine, I was rooting for the snake.  After several tense moments, the classy lady managed to get the snake away from the moron’s head.  Everyone cheered.  Really?  Don’t snakes react to sound?  There were still about 50 snakes in the box with him around his private parts and appendages.  How did the moron respond?  Well, you guessed it.  He told them to continue to put the snakes on him.  He reached his ambitious goal of staying in a coffin for 5 minutes with 100 rattlesnakes.  How impressive.

Now, the show is over, and I have lost 30 minutes of my life that I will never get back.  I’m pretty sure I’ve seen the dumbest of dumb TV.   I have faith though that, if anyone can do it, my 15 year old son can find another show to top that one.  -Al