This isn’t a plea for attention. This isn’t a plea for presents or cards or “Happy Birthday” messages. Really, it’s not. If you send them now, I’ll just think you felt sorry for me. So keep your stinkin’ birthday festivities. I don’t want them. (In case you aren't familiar with the term, that's called "cutting off your nose to spite your face.")
Why am I complaining? Well, thank you for asking. I’ll tell you why. Having a birthday three days before Christmas stinks. It always has, and it always will. Anyone who has a birthday during the week of Christmas knows what I’m saying. The rest of you can pretend, but you don’t really know. (You can’t say I didn’t warn you about the pity party….)
Why does my birthday stink? Why, thank you for asking! (You really are asking the right questions today!) It stinks because my birthday is always an afterthought. Always. You can deny it. You can say it’s not, but it is. No one thinks about my birthday. They think about Christmas, and then they say, “Oh yeah, someone I know has a birthday around that time.” It’s not that I blame them. Christmas is a busy time of year for everyone! I just got an unlucky birthday. It's not anyone's fault, but it still stinks.
Having a Christmas birthday stinks because your cake (if you are lucky enough to get one) is red and green. Who wants a red and green birthday cake? No one. Why? Because it’s not a birthday cake. It’s a Christmas cake. I’d say it would just be better not to get a cake at all, but it really wouldn’t. I’ve had that pleasure for several years now. Last year, I didn’t even get a stinking dessert.
Having a Christmas birthday stinks because you get part of your Christmas presents on your birthday. My parents can deny it all they want to, but I know what they did. When I was little, they bought presents and placed them out and said, “Okay. These can be for her birthday, and the rest will be for Christmas.” Did I get the same number of presents as my sister who has a normal birthday? Well, we’ll just never know, will we?
Having a Christmas birthday stinks because your birthday presents get wrapped in Christmas paper. Why is that a big deal? Because a birthday present wrapped in Christmas paper is NOT a birthday present! It’s a Christmas present that someone gave you for your birthday. If you don’t believe me, let me give you a gift wrapped in Christmas paper for your birthday in July. We’ll see how you like it.
Having a Christmas birthday stinks because you can’t have a party. I had a big party two times in my life. One time involved a very creepy clown, and I don’t want to discuss that. The other one was an ice skating party. My two best friends couldn’t even come because they were out of town for Christmas. Everyone is out of town for Christmas.
Having a Christmas birthday stinks because you can only wish for things once a year. It doesn’t matter so much now, but remember when you were little? If you wanted a new bike, your parents would say, “Wait until your birthday!” New roller skates? “Ask for them for Christmas!” For me, it was, “I guess you’ll have to wait a full year and see if you get them for your birthday or Christmas.” Boy, I’m in a bad mood.
Before I tell you the story of this year's birthday celebration, let me just say that my parents have always tried to separate my birthday from Christmas. They never wrapped my presents in Christmas paper, and they bought me non -Christmas cakes when I was a kid. They tried. They really did, but Christmas trumps birthday every time. (I have to defend the parents, you know, because rumor has it that they read my writings occasionally. The last thing I need is angry parents three days before Christmas!)
So, this year is a big birthday. I mean, a really big one. Like the big 4 – Oh-my-goodness-I-am-so-old. Do you know how my family celebrated? Honestly, I can’t make this stuff up. We were at my parents’ house on Wednesday. We eat there every Wednesday night before church. Daddy cooked, so the Mister and I picked up a frozen pie for dessert. We had already cut the pie and were eating it when my parents asked when we were going to celebrate my birthday. I said I didn’t know, and they said we should have done it that night. Then (again, not making it up), they asked if it would be okay to celebrate it then. Well, sure. Why not? So, they put ‘4’ ‘0’ candles on the last remaining piece of pie in the plate and sang the annual birthday song. (You do not want to hear my family’s version of the birthday song. Take my word for it.) I was given a present and a card, and my birthday was over before it even began. It was quite the celebration. So, crappy birthday to me. Bah-humbug. -Al
A Statement from the People Pleaser: Although I sound ungrateful and unhappy, I deeply appreciate any gift, any card and any birthday wish anyone gives me. I’m just in a bad mood. Most of the time, I am very thankful for anything anyone gives me or does for me. I’m allowed to be a selfish brat only once a year, on my birthday. If you don’t like it, you might want to stay away from me for the rest of the day. I will return to my sunny (yeah, right) self tomorrow. And, if YOU think I’m grouchy, just think how Mr. Everything, the Beetle and the Goose feel. They have to live with me. Even the turtle is avoiding me today.