Back in the day (I’m not sure what day, but I like that phrase). So, back in the day, the Beetle broke out in this weird rash. It was all over his face, neck, shoulders, arms and stomach. I had no idea what it was, but I ran him to the doctor. (Apparently this was back in the day of medical insurance, because now, I’d probably tell him to rub some dirt on it and he’d be fine.)
Anywho, I rushed him to the pediatrician. She looked at him and said it had to be something I had changed…soap, detergent, fabric softener, etc. I thought and thought, but there was nothing! She insisted that it was not something he ate but was definitely a skin irritation. For days, I racked my brain, trying to think of what it could be. I was in a panic. (Little things used to get to me like that when my babies were little. Now, I’d say, “You don’t have a bone sticking out of the skin? You’re fine!”) There was nothing I could come up with. After several days, the rash cleared up, thank goodness, and I started to put it out of my mind.
A week and a half later, the Goose broke out in a weird rash. However, hers looked more like hives. I was in a panic again. How could this be a coincidence that both of my kids broke out within weeks of each other? Once again, I rushed to the pediatrician to see what she had to say. This time, the doctor said the Goose’s hives had to be from something she ate. I looked at her like she was crazy. Was she trying to tell me that my kids each broke out in a rash within 2 weeks of each other, and they had nothing to do with each other? She was. I was convinced, though, that they had some flesh-eating disease. (I really did worry a lot back then. I’ve come a long way!) The doctor questioned me about what the Goose had eaten, and I could not think of anything beyond her normal diet…macaroni and cheese.
I went home with no answers and a headache. All the way home, I thought about what I could do for this poor child. The Beetle’s rash had never itched and had gone away, but the Goose was red and itchy. She was miserable. I called a friend of mine who was a massage therapy and I said, “Hey. You’re into this natural crap. Tell me what to do.” I remember saying those exact words to her. Little did I know that I would soon be a believer of the natural crap.
My friend suggested I call a lady who owned a local health food store. She said I would think this woman was completely nuts but to take the Goose to her anyway. Out of desperation, I did just that.
That same day, the Beetle came into the room, eating a huge jawbreaker that he had gotten from the mall a week ago. At that point, I really did not want to know where he had been keeping it for a week. As he licked on the jawbreaker’s white outer shell, I watched the rash spread across his face. The mystery was solved! It was the jawbreaker. I still don’t know whether it was a dye or what. He’s never done it again. So, at least his mystery was solved, but I still had to deal with the girl.
The lady, AKA the Voodoo doctor, practiced Applied Kinesiology. Yeah. I had never heard of it either. In a nutshell, Applied Kinesiology, or at least her version of it, is the belief that your muscles can tell what is wrong with you and what you need to take to get better. Voodoo with a capital V, but I was desperate. My baby was itchy.
The Voodoo doctor could not fit the Goose in for a full appointment, but she said to come around 11:00 and she would quickly look at her. We went to the small, cramped health food store that smelled like strange hay and wacky weed. I talked to my kids before we got there. I told them to be respectful and polite, no matter what was about to happen.
The Voodoo doctor called us back to a storage room, and she sat down on a stool. She looked at the Goose’s skin, looked in her eyes and looked at her fingernails. So far, so good. Then, she asked the Goose to stick out her tongue. The Goose enjoyed that a little too much. Next, the Voodoo doctor asked the Goose to hold out her arm. She began pushing on the child’s arm. While she was doing this, she had her eyes closed, and her mouth was moving like she was talking. She was tapping her finger on a table. This went on for about 5 minutes.
The Beetle looked at me like he was going to explode with laughter. I signaled for him just to breathe and be still. I was about to explode with laughter too. This whole situation was just too weird. The Goose was looking at me as though I had taken her to a torture chamber. I was hoping she wasn’t right.
Finally, the Voodoo doctor came out of her trance and began to talk to me. She asked me if the Goose drank a lot of milk. I said, “No, not really.” Then, she said, “What about cheese and dairy?” Well, cheese was another story. The child ate macaroni and cheese three times a day. The Voodoo doctor directed me to take her off dairy completely. This was the equivalent of separating Bert and Ernie. It shouldn’t and couldn’t be done.
I told the Voodoo doctor that I would try my best to get the Goose off dairy (knowing good and well that it wasn’t going to happen). She said even if I could get her off dairy for a week or two, it would help. That was more likely.
The Voodoo doctor also told me about a supplement that I needed to give the Goose. It was a blood cleansing tonic. I had no idea what that meant, but I was willing to give it a try. I bought some but also got a list of the ingredients. Later when I got home, I knew I would search for the ingredients online to make sure there was not anything in the pills could hurt my baby.
When we left the health food store, I whispered to my kids, “Wait until we get in the truck. Just wait.” The Beetle looked like he was going to burst. He was turning red from the strain of holding in the laughter. We got in the truck, and he let it go. He laughed so hard he couldn’t breathe. I laughed so hard I cried. The Goose just sort of looked at us. She wasn’t quite old enough to understand just how weird that had been.
As we calmed our laughing, the Goose said, “Mama, what was that lady doing to my arm?” The laughter began again. The Beetle was killing me, because he was to the point of snorting. I was right behind him with the snorts.
Finally, when we found our composure, I asked the Beetle, “So what did you think?” He said, with the most serious expression, “I think she was talking to the rash.” We laughed all the way home.
The week we managed to do without dairy and cheese (and macaroni and cheese) was one of the roughest weeks of my life. I had no idea how dependant on cheese the child was. Within 2 days of removing milk from her diet and starting on the supplements, the Goose’s rash went away.
A few months later, the Goose broke out in the rash again. Again, we started on the blood cleansing tonic, and within 24 hours, the rash was gone.
As I sit here, I have had 2 doses of the blood cleansing tonic. The itching of my rash has decreased, and it isn’t nearly as red. The Voodoo doctor may have been crazy, but she knew her stuff! -Al